Some days I sit down to write one thing and another thing entirely comes out; yesterday was one of those days.
As I read over what I wrote yesterday before I started writing this morning I got to the part where I said I need to make peace with my past and I felt like I’d been cuffed upside the head by a tree branch. I might have written that yesterday and read and re-read it while I edited but I didn’t even see it. It came out of me without my awareness or knowledge.
I don’t need to ask where it came from because I’m completely aware that my heart is broken and that I wish more than anything that I could go back to the morning before my brother took his own life and if nothing else tell him I love him, tell him that he’s a part of me and no matter what he always will be.
There’s a lot in my past I have to make peace with, so does this mean I need to start where it’s the hardest? Start in my very recent past and move backwards from there. That seems counter intuitive to me but maybe that’s what I’m supposed to do. Or maybe not. I don’t know.
A very good friend to me told me yesterday that it’s the fear that gets us stuck and I agree with her and while that’s true what do I have to fear in getting past Mark’s death. He’s already gone – how can there be more to fear?
It still feels so surreal some days. I find myself ruminating and I have to shake my head because I think I’ve gone off to some bad dream and then I realize that I’m wide awake and it’s real. He’s gone, really and truly gone and I’ll never have the chance to laugh with him at something stupid or marvel at his crazy fast mind or grow old with him...with my baby brother.
Maybe it’s not about making peace with my past – maybe it’s about making peace with my life as it is now.