"You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens."
I'm going to be 45 very soon and as I thought about that the other day I wondered out loud to myself how old I would need to be to finally stop comparing myself to others, or to stop worrying what other people think, or when I might actually be enough.
I've obviously wondered about these questions before - but for some reason they feel different to me right now. I'm tired of caring if I'm enough. I'm tired of worrying about what other people think and I'm tired of comparing myself to others.
I'm tired of all the bullshit that goes on in my mind every fucking day.
I've spent all these years listening to that wee voice in my head that tells me I'm not good enough, that I'm stupid or useless, that I have nothing to offer anyone. I've listened to her tell me that no one loves me because I'm unlovable, that I'm too weird to have real connections in my life, that I'm deeply flawed, probably even irreparably broken.
My heart has been broken over and over again. And each time it was it hurt like a bastard and every time it did that wee voice would remind me that my heart was broken because there was something wrong with me. It was my own fault - if was a better friend, or wife, or mother, or, or, or.....
When the people who are supposed to love you the most tell you how much they dislike you, how useless and selfish you are, how you're too stupid to do anything or what a nasty bitch you are, you eventually believe it. When they tell you that you're good for nothing those words move in and they stay there. They get planted and they grow and gradually they take over and that wonderful spirit that we're all born with gets worn down and gradually it gets broken.
We're not broken - just our spirits; but eventually those tender spirits start to push and pull and make themselves known. They want us to remember how divinely perfect we really truly are. They want us to know that we're always completely and perfectly whole. They want us to know we're always enough and lovable just the way we are right now.
Right this second and in every second of our past and of our future we are wonderfully, completely just exactly as we are always - a divine being.
I've had this ridiculous question hanging over my head for years. We call it the Christmas party question...you know the one, "What do you do?" I have hated this question my entire adult life. I've never had an answer that felt good enough.
Let's see how I've tried to answer that question over the years.
Holistic Nutrition/Eating Psychology
I could go on if I continued to mention all the 'minor' courses I've also taken along the way. I've tried my hardest to find an answer to that question that was acceptable - not to me, but to the person asking the question. Why would I give all that power to people I don't know? Who the fuck knows - I'm guessing I already covered it a few paragraphs above.
It doesn't matter what we do. The answer to that question doesn't matter. It's taken me too long to figure that out. It doesn't matter what I've taken in school or haven't taken in school. It's not about what I'm studying or the jobs I've had - it's about who I am. Simple concept; but hard to believe sometimes.
I'm making the choice to believe it right now.
From this point forward I'm not going to listen to the voice in my head that replays how crappy I am and how I must be broken. From now on I'm choosing to believe that I'm a divine being who's completely whole and imperfectly perfect just the way I am - right now and forever more.
This is a declaration!
From this point forward:
I am going to believe I am enough.
I am going to believe I am lovable.
I am going to believe that I am completely whole.
I am going to trust in God and the Universe and the Mystery of Life.
I am going to live in congruence with my highest and best values.
I am going to live authentically.
I am going to release negativity and focus on the positive in every situation.
I am going to give myself permission for
And daily belly laughs
I am going to embrace my truth and live it OUT LOUD!
My heart has finally opened and I'm scared as fuck, but this is where I am and this is where I want to be now - finally.
Of course, all this means there will be change and change is hard; but so is living with the belief that I'm broken and unlovable. This is going to be a bumpy ride and I welcome the bumps. I know I won't be perfect but I will be real.
I could go on, but instead I'll share one of my very favourite quotes.
“Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.”
~ Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit